The Great Temptation of the Joshua Tree desert: Pride comes before the Fall, just as they say.

The Joshua Tree tortoise had already put on its pyjamas and was brushing its teeth, when I saw Angelina Jolie walking through the desert towards me. I knew I was in trouble, much bigger trouble than 5 minutes ago when facing The Horrifying And Merciless Black Angel Of Death. She was all alone in the dangerous desert, crying and whispering my name in despair. God, how fragile she looked, and vulnerable. It was one of the most touching performances I have ever seen of this great actress.

‘I love you!’ whispered Angelina Jolie through her tears. ‘Let me be yours. I beg you, I’ll do everything a woman if my stature possibly can do to earn your grace. ’

And although I expected Angelina Jolie to say exactly that, I hesitated for a moment. I didn’t want to upset her even more.

The Great Night Temptation of the Joshua Tree desert

The Great Night Temptation of the Joshua Tree desert

‘But is it morally justifiable?’ I asked with tenderness and compassion. ‘You’re married.’

‘I know,’ Angelina Jolie answered with a deep sigh.

‘And although I really do appreciate your proposition, I can’t hurt your husband, world renowned actor Brad Pitt,’ I went on. ‘Since he single-handedly saved the planet in «World War Z», boy oh boy, Brad Pitt deserves real respect from all of us. He freed us from the zombies.’

‘Great movie,’ said the tortoise. ‘Gripping stuff.’

‘And besides, he’s a cool guy! He’s like the ultimate dream of billions of women all over the world!’

‘I am aware of this fact, but he’s not nearly as cool and handsome as you. Love me!’

‘Go for it!’ squealed the Joshua Tree tortoise. ‘You can do it!’

‘And another thing,’ I went on, knowing it will cut deep. ‘I am in love with another woman.’

‘Who’s playing her part?’ Cried Angelina Jolie. ‘Tell me her name! She cannot be a better actress nor woman than I am!’

Pride comes before the Fall, as they say. How sad.

‘Angelina Jolie, although you truly are a great actress as well as woman and mother, my answer is negative. I won’t change my mind. I’m prepared to die for my kidnapped love.’

’Love me!’ cried Angelina Jolie. ‘Take me! F… me like your little dirty slut!’

‘Hold it right there!’ I said with sudden force. ‘You are not Angelina Jolie. That decent mother of high moral standards would never swear in public. She most probably doesn’t even know an F-word!’

‘But if she’s not Angelina Jolie,’ the Joshua Tree tortoise asked burning with curiosity, ‘then who is she? Madonna? Lady Gaga?’

Filthy And Swearing Demon Of Temptation From Hell

Filthy And Swearing Demon Of Temptation From Hell

‘No, my little desert friend, not even Miley Cyrus,’ I answered, not taking my eyes off the fake Angelina Jolie. ‘This is a Filthy And Swearing Demon Of Temptation From Hell, sent here by Dark Forces of Evil to seduce me, tempting me to forget my precious love!’ I explained. I turned to the Demon and commanded in my usual calm but sharp manner, ‘Now go to where you belong!’

‘To Hollywood?’ the tortoise asked quizzically.

‘To Hell,’ I exclaimed, while making the sign of the Holy Cross over the fake ‘Angelina Jolie.’ Immediately the earth underneath the Demon’s feet opened, and with the most advanced special effects I’ve ever seen (even more superior then those of «This is the End») the Filthy And Swearing Demon Of Temptation From Hell fell into the burning Gehenna.

We were speechless for some time.

‘Well,’ said tortoise, ‘The Dark Forces Of Evil have clearly underestimated you. They have forgotten that you are not only damn downright cool and handsome, you are also incredibly intelligent.’

And honestly, I couldn’t have put it any better.


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