Dreaming in Joshua Tree: our life after The Inhuman, Barbaric, Exceedingly Brutal, Savagely Cruel, Vicious and Bloodiest, Yet Tremendously Righteous and Truly Noble Massacre of Las Vegas

‘So what are you going to do when it’s all over and done,’ asked the tortoise.

‘You mean after The Inhuman, Barbaric, Exceedingly Brutal, Savagely Cruel, Vicious and Bloodiest, Yet Tremendously Righteous and Truly Noble Massacre of Las Vegas?’ I asked to be sure. ‘Well, I am hoping to marry my kidnaped beauty, to build a house, to finally become a father, to love my kids and wife for ever and ever.’ I sighed. ‘Maybe I’ll even quit murdering bad guys and become someone good. Like Charlie Chaplin. And you?’

‘I’ve always dreamed of becoming an opera singer,’ said the tortoise. ‘I have a beautiful singing voice, you know… Would you by any chance like to hear a classical aria or two?’

‘Don’t bother,’ I hastily answered. ‘It’s such a nice day. Why spoil it? Maybe another day.’

It nodded in agreement. ‘Let’s not spoil this beautiful day. And for the rest, just like in your pre-massacre dreams: becoming a good husband and father, building a house with my own hands…’ It showed me its paws. ‘A nice quite life at last. No blood and no killings. An especially none of that glamour, money and those gorgeous though shallow, horny blond women with never-ending legs in really sexy lingerie.’

‘Despicable. Like in a nightmare. Especially these last things,’ I’d better stop imagining it, as I’ve upheld a state of complete sexual abstinence since they took her away. They will pay for that, oh boy, they are going to pay dearly for my forced abstinence!

And then it happened.

The earth beneath us shook like ten thousand earthquakes: there He stood, The Merciless Black Angel Of Death! I immediately knew it was Him. His wings were made of burning fire, His savage gaze incinerated everyone and everything He looked at. Even the rock He stood upon had melted in a second.

The Merciless Black Angel Of Death

The Merciless Black Angel Of Death

‘Hi reptile, hi Handsome,’ The Black Angel Of Death said without mercy, which was so typical of Him.

‘Hi You back,’ we answered, staggered by His horrifying glory.

‘Only one of you will survive The Inhuman, Barbaric, Exceedingly Brutal, Savagely Cruel, Vicious and Bloodiest, Yet Tremendously Righteous and Truly Noble Massacre of Las Vegas,’ proclaimed The Black Angel Of Death. We shuddered as His voice sounded like the roar of at least ten thousand deadliest tornados. ‘One of you will die!’

I looked at my little, poor, ugly, shitty desert friend.

‘Then take me,’ I offered.

‘No, take me instead!’ the reptile followed my brave example.

‘It’s not up to you to choose. But on the other hand, if you stop right now, if you cowardly abandon your loved ones, both of you will survive.’

We looked at each other, me and the shitty desert tortoise.


‘Looks like you’ve got yourselves a deal!’ He gave us His verdict. ‘It’s either the reptile, or Handsome.’

‘Hold it right there,’ I suddenly said, daringly interrupting The Merciless Black Angel Of Death: ‘Are You Gay?’

He stuttered, deeply blushing every shade of pink and red found in the Joshua Tree desert.

‘No, of course not! But what gave me…’ He stopped just in time.

‘Why else would you call me Handsome all the way?’ I asked, while staring straight at Him.

‘Well, you are handsome,’ the Merciless Black Angel Of Death answered frankly. And that is the truth: I am unbearably handsome. But who could have imagined… Poor Merciless thing afraid of coming out. I felt deep sorrow for The Merciless Black Angel Of Death.

‘We accept Your Merciless Challenge,’ the Joshua Tree tortoise and I said in unison. ‘We won’t back off. We’re not going to cowardly betray our loved ones, although Your offer sounds appealing.’

‘So be it!’ He roared back, spreading His burning wings. ‘Bye reptile, bye Handsome!’ and right before disappearing, He blew me a kiss.

We were speechless for some time.

‘Behind the horrifying appearance of The Merciless Black Angel Of Death hides a bleeding heart,’ the tortoise summarised.

And I couldn’t have put it better.


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